The Back Yard Guru:
BANG! BOOM! pause, BOOM! CRUNCH! smoke…and a few $#%#*&%##'s later: What the hell was that? Then I realized that someone just drove straight into me at 50 mph. I got out of my poor WindStar. More like, fell out. I felt like I was still going 50 mph, thanks to the adrenalin: the magic stuff that keeps pain away and allows you to move, in times of crisis.
When I looked around and the smoke and steam and my head started to clear, I realized the front of my van was gone. The police arrived; the little granny was fine…I am not sure she even knew she was in a car accident or for that matter, was even there. A well dressed lady strolled over and asked about my shoes. My shoes? Yes, she said, They are great looking shoes. Being the Libra I am, I took a little time out from my 4 broken teeth and 2 broken knees, to thank her for her compliment. I think she was hitting on me, or perhaps really was just a shoe fancier.
The tow truck arrived in short order, my WindStar was whisked away and never to be seen again. I waved off the ambulance saying, I lived nearby That was a mistake, on the 1 mile or so back to my apartment, my little friend, the adrenalin, started to wear off. On second thought it just fell off, leaving all those raw nerves to jangle. The pain came like a freight train. I have no idea how I got home. A friend found me there a few days later and took me to the hospital.
If I were a betting man, I would say the teeth won out in the pain contest, over my hapless knees. Three months later I got my life back, or so I thought. When that car hit me, the airbag popped; it friction-burned the inside of my arms on the way to smacking me in the face. The van stopped with a bang. Then I stopped with a bang All I could hear was my spine pop, pop, popping like the keys on a piano, with the final crescendo: my neck snapped. It is amazing how resilient we are, I didn’t notice it at the time, with all the adrenalin pumping and all. Fast forward four years later….
Margy the mechanic is a body worker. My newer Windstar and I drove over for a visit, I knocked and Margy, a slight woman, answered the door. I told her I needed to get some body work done With a twinkle in her eye, she asked, What have you got? I explained. She listened. She paused and said, Sounds like a challenge, in the same breath, she added, I like challenges: take everything off except your underwear and socks, and get under this towel. Then she left the room. Leaving my socks on would make me feel like a 70’s porn star, so I took them off as well. I hoped on the bed …or rack, as I was soon to discover.
When the mechanic returned, those nimble fingers, cruised around, Hmmm, that one's out; Ohhh I don’t like that. Ok, roll over.
Put your arms here. Pull on this, Push on that. Crack, snap ohhh that hurts. $#%(!()&%#, that’s a new pain. Rotate, bang, pop, crunch. Now stand up and walk around, How’s that? I think you broke my rib, wimper, wimper: I thought I was a manly man. Apparently not. Lay down. Crack. How’s your rib now? Better. How do you feel? Ahhhhhhmazing.
Come back in a week, and that should that should be you fixed. After four years of headaches and feeling like I always had the flu, Margy fixed me in 1 hour. Seems my spine was out, along with my Atlases, whatever they are. My head was not on straight and making this banging sound, my rotor cusps were full of scar tissue.
Now I've got a spring in my step thanks to Margy the body worker, the lady with this amazing grasp of the human anatomy: she fixed me. If you have something you just can’t shake, maybe she can fix you too. It is worth the hour to find out.
Margaret Tallis B.F.A.